my ex bf.. (part 1)

May8, 2008- Today I had let them go. I never believe this two small creature who had a big portion in my heart gone in the same day.

My turtle, male, named ‘kui kui‘, who had struggled not more than two weeks. Struggle for freedom, joy and others reason tat human can’t able to figure out. I had put him behind a drain. He seems happy and walked faster than precious day. ‘Boook!’ he drops down the drain. I had watches his movement during that time. He leaves with joy. I guess so. Then, I walked into my new kitchen, wondering within 15 minutes, I went back to that drain. He was gone. I believe life without him is not difficult. But I still put some vege into his big swimming pool unconsciously. I swear, I will find whether you were there tomorrow, waiting for me to hug you home.

Today was my boy friends off day. He asked me to go out for yoyo- my favorite drinks. But I refuse to reply his msg or answer his call because he makes me angry the day my best friend fly to k.l. He promised to lend his car to my best friend as they want to enjoy sunrise early in the morning. But he didn’t keep his promise. I know he loves his car so much and I understand his feeling if he lend his car to a stranger. But promise is promise! Today, he had call for 9 times ONLY. I still refuse to answer his call. As a punishment for him, I set a rule- don’t answer his phone or reply his msg for a day. I can’t pretend to be just like nothing happen. I didn’t accompany my best friend during her b’day. I felt ashamed. This makes me more responsible to prepare her transportation for her finally day. I felt terrible cos once again I had made her disappointed as I’m not able to make her sunrise’s dream come true. Finally my boy friend sends an msg to me. An msg which draw a full stop in our relationship.

One month before, we have a big fight. I was sitting in his car with the bread I made. The moment I give him my decorated bread, he smiles. Then, I asked for separated-break up. I had made a stupid lied. I said ‘I had no feelings with you anymore.’ I thought this word can end our pain for two years long but luckily we didn’t. Cos I really love his so much. I had hurt him deeply. I rather cut my damn shit mouth! We had discussed most of our future while knowing that we won’t have a great future. Our relationship didn’t get blessing from my mum. A relationship without blessing is worse, pain, suffer….. But I keep continue my life with him as the time we spend together is full of joy and happiness- also got a bit bitter and sour de. Although he spend most of his time in his work, I will and still waiting for his msg until the late night patiently. I know he is working hard for our future, I know he is a bit stress working in the new restaurant- he hates paper work much, I know I know I know! But sometimes I will still behave badly on him-I would get angry if he didn’t send check out msg or good night msg, I would get angrier if he didn’t state clearly where he goes…..

Continue to the only msg he send to me…. Knowing that he still remember that phase I had hurt him deeply in pain-so m I. I’m in pain now. I wonder, if I answer his call, will our relationship become like this?? After he sends the only one msg, he turns off his hp. I read that msg for many times. I know this will be the last msg from him. Eventually, I deleted it. I kept myself calm. Walking to the kitchen, prepare dinner for my family. I use water+tears to wash vege. No one knows.
Thinking my turtle for a while, then I take bath. With the sound of water fall, I cried as hard as I can. My sis said I had been more than half an hour in bathroom. She wonders what I am doing in bathroom. We ate mi cup tat night. The only meal I take today.

Every part of my body becomes soft. All in my mind is sleep sleep sleep…… as sleep really can help me solve me problem mentally. But I’m not able to fall in sleep. I continue to read some short story and watch my drama. Still not sleepy! I wonder what he is doing now. Wonder! Wonder! Wonder!

I ate mi cup as my dinner. I’m 52.25kg now. Felt like want to smile a bit but I’m not able to hang up my mouth.
The msg I had reply him still pending. I wish to read that msg again but unfortunately I deleted it. I wish the sun can come out tonight, to cure my raining day.

I’m keeping my hp besides me. Hates those people who msg or call me today! They are not the one im waiting for!